Emotion Basketcase much?

Effortless
Madness
Of
Teenage
Inconsistency
Over and over
Never ending

Basically my definition of teenage emotions in seven words. I'm not just talking about typical things (like boys) with teenage girls, I'm talking about in general. For example..the other night my mom made a suggestion to me and I completely freaked out! It's like I loose control of myself. After I look at things I say and how I talk back to my mom I wonder what the crap is wrong with me and why I'm being such an idiot. My mom is tied at first with my sister as the "best friend" role. I tell my mom EVERYTHING! We talk about everything from school to boys to spiritual aspects to friends to..what I'm going to wear to school the next day. And yet...I feel like I can't control myself sometimes. I can't just shrug a suggestion I don't like off my shoulder. I can't just say "Okay, mom." And walk away and be cheery. I have to make some stupid snotty comment back to her. Then before I know it I'm bawling and am shaking and have so much emotion bursting out of me at once that I honestly don't know what to do. I want to go for a walk, but my mom won't let me because I'm not in the emotional state to be walking alone. I want to just calm down and get away, but I feel like I can't. I feel trapped and yet I have emotion pouring out of every part of me like when a glass is already filled to the very top of a glass and then you attempt to put four ice cubes in. Water goes everywhere. That's what I feel like. Ah! That reminds me of a quote. It goes something like... “ There are more moments in life when the heart is so full of emotion that if , by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows. Its secrets spill onto the ground like water and can never be gathered together.” (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

I'm never like this with my friends. My friends see me as a happy, crazy, insane person. I love that they see me as such. But why can't I act this way with my family? Why is it so much easier for me to freak out at them. In the poem "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope, (wonderful poem, by the way, I highly recommend reading it if you haven't) There's a line talking about Eloisa that says "Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys." In class we discussed whether or not we really think Eloisa loves Abelard, or if she's just overly obsessed with him. We/I personally concluded that her feelings are justified because she lost her innocence to him and then is forced to a life of silence. Anyway, back to the quote. Sometimes I feel like this is how I am. I know it's ridiculous, but I really do. Sometimes, I feel like I'm prisoner to my heart, and if something is bothering me where my heart is I act irrationally towards my family. Whether it's a guy, friends, my family, if anything is messing with my heart it seems to take over.

This is something I need to work on. A lot.

Alexander Solzhenitsyn said, "It is not because the truth is so difficult that we make mistakes...we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones." Beautiful. I know. Haha, I love this. It's not because it's too hard that we make mistakes. It's because it's comfortable. It's easy. It's a walk in the park rather than a hike through a rocky cliff. I thought of this quote though because it suggests that when we do something wrong or make a mistake, we're always just choosing the easier thing. The thing that's more comfortable and takes less effort. That may be true in most cases, but when I'm yelling at my mom because she suggests I do something different I'm not comfortable. It's not something that takes less effort. Well...I guess it does in a way.. but not really. It's not that hard to say something calm instead of something snotty and not thought through.

I don't know. I need to think. Ha, I guess I'll just leave with this quote.

" some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.”