Gravity

Today in Sunday School my mom taught a lesson that I'd like to title "Gravity." She read a story my brother Tyler wrote called "Gravity" about my father's life, and his sister, Theresa's, story. My mom often asks me if I've read this story Tyler gave us last year for Christmas. I always said yes. The truth is..I hadn't.

As my mom read through the story I found myself sitting with tears streaming down both sides of my face as I listened. I tried so hard to stop crying, but just couldn't. I'd heard bits and pieces of my dad's childhood, and did know that Aunt Theresa struggled with the church a bit, but there were so many things in this story I did NOT know. I didn't know, for instance, that Aunt Theresa was a hippie. Nor did I know she had a husband before my uncle Dan. I didn't know she had a close seminary teacher who's friendship played a vital part in her returning to the church. The fact that that she came back with a list an inch thick of things she asked forgiveness for amazes me, and I'm sure will help me remember when I've made mistakes that I can ALWAYS be forgiven.

As this is a very personal and somewhat private story, this will turn out to be a rather short post. I just want to close with a quote from the story that brings me near tears every time I hear it:

"God's love is like gravity. You can hate it, curse it, and say it doesn't exist, but it's always there, and is always working."

Mind Tricks

It's amazing to me how the human brain can be totally convinced at one moment that something isn't a big deal; that it doesn't matter, and that you honestly DO NOT CARE! Then, the next minute, your mind is chalk full of vivid images of certain events and you feel your heart breaking ever so slowly. It's like a little kid pulling a piece of paper apart when they're just learning how to use their hands. Gradually. Slowly. And you wish you could yank it from their hands and rip it for them, simply because you're running out of time and that little piece of paper is only coming apart one small strand at a time.
Do you readers understand the feeling I'm talking about? It's like when something hits you for the first time. Yes, you knew about it before, but it's not just starting to engulf your thoughts. To wrap a blanket of hopelessness around you and swallow you whole.
I'm also amazed at how many different situations this can be. Take a death for instance. I know, when my grandfather died, i started bawling the moment my dad told me. But I think that was merely the shock of knowing he was gone, because later on that day, I was completely fine. I told myself "He's with God now!" or "He's up there waiting for me." I knew I'd see him again, because families are forever. A few days later, I remember waking up and all I could see was my grandpa's dead body laying in his bed and my mom performing CPR on him. Horrific. Paralyzing. Petrifying. Those are words that come to mind remembering grandpa Fred's passing. I felt like a part of me drifted off with him. Like a part of me was missing. I heard people sniffling and blowing their noses. I looked around my small room covered in flowery wallpaper. No one. I heard sobs and cries for help. No one. All the sudden this tragedy became so real to me. But why?
"Some minds remain open long enough for the truth not only to enter but to pass on through by way of a ready exit without pausing anywhere along the route." This quote from Elizabeth Kenny shares an important and vital message to all who read it. It shows that not only do we need to open our minds to hear truth, but keep it open and let it pass through. Whether the truth be good or bad news, whether it helps or hurts us. If we close our minds and give truth a place to dwell, there is no question we'll blow it out or proportion.
Basically...all in all, the human mind amazes me. Sometimes we want to just forget about things, but because we want to forget them so badly, we end up thinking about how much we want to forget them and then...WOAH! WE DON'T FORGET THEM! Sometimes we say we feel a certain way multiple times, and then once we really think we mean it. Then that I'm-not-so-sure feeling comes back. You DO care. But how can you show it if all the odds are pointing against you. You're too young. You don't look the right way. You don't engage in the right extra curricular activities. You're too old. (These, by the way, are just random things I'm throwing out there.) It's amazing.

Love, Life, and Laughter

One thing about me that some readers may not know is that I am an extremely religious person. I would simply DIE without the standards of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and wish I could be the best person I can be..ALL THE TIME. It's ridiculously easy for me to forget that if something's not okay...it's NOT OKAY. No justifying! Centered on religious views, I hope this post doesn't make anyone feel uncomfortable. If it does, I'm sorry, but remember, you read my blog. I'm not preaching to you or forcing you to read my beliefs.
During conversations with friends, the question "what is our purpose in this life?" has come up more than once. I know how I've replied to friends asking this question, but what about when I ask? Do I really believe what I tell my friends? Do I act in a way that exemplifies the answers I give? In the past few months..no. I have not. In the last couple of months I have thought about--and actually dressed--in ways I've always told people I never would. I've jeopardized friendships. I've thought of acting in ways I've always looked at as unacceptable. I've WANTED things I know I should not want at this point in my life. Why do I want these things? What do they have to do with having a successful and happy life?
Elder Neal A. Maxwell writes, "Words then issue, such as Why me? Why this? Why now? Of course, these words may give way to subsequent spiritual composure. Sometimes, however, such words precede bitter inconsolability, and then it is a surprisingly short distance between disappointment and bitterness." How often do we feel like this? How often do we question what God has in store for us? I know I do more often than not. I caught myself thinking "Why can't things just be like they used to be" the other day, and I thought of a scripture in Psalms that says something like "Do not inquire why are things not like they were in the past, for ye do not inquire rightfully knowing of these things." It says something like that...I can't find the verse right now, but it made me realize how often I do that.
What IS our purpose in life? President Gordon B. Hinckley, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, "Now, I wish to say a word to all who are here. It is simply a reminder of the obligation, the duty, each has to share with others the precious gospel of Jesus Christ." A prophet of the Lord, speaking the words of God, told us that it's our mission..even a DUTY to share the Gospel. Well then, it should be easy shouldn't it? The voice of the Lord telling us to share the Gospel. What's so hard about that?
Sharing the Gospel, in my opinion, is so much more than just..sharing the Gospel. It is a way of life and a way of example. A way of living the standards God set for us. My mom often tells me that by living the standards of the gospel that seem so strict and so unbelievably ridiculous to the rest of the world, we actually make ourselves free from the addictions and things that captivate the minds of people internationally. By living the word of wisdom we save ourselves health and generally live longer lives because our livers are not being eaten away by alcohol. Or maybe we have clear and healthy working lungs because we choose not to smoke. We don't believe, by any means, that people who do these things are bad people-- they are simply things we choose not to do. I love people of all religions. I have many friends of other faiths, I do NOT, in any way, think I am better than them in any way. I simply have a different way of life.
Now then, Elder Richard G. Scott of the quorum of the twelve apostles states, "These words express the most fundamental purpose of your being on earth:

'We will make an earth whereon these may dwell;

'And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;

'And they who keep their first estate shall be added upon; and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate; and they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever'"

I'm sure many of us ask, "how can the purpose of life be to be tested, when President Hinckley said it was to share the Gospel?" I believe that by sharing the Gospel and living the standards, we are keeping with our first estate. Therefore, we kill two birds with one stone.
I feel like yesterday I had a realization. I came inside after going to a movie with some friends, and I had some wants that...well..I guess maybe I just shouldn't have wanted. I felt stupid and humiliated and wished I could erase the last few moments of the night, and felt deeply disoriented by decisions I'd made and feelings I chose to feel. I got down on my knees and prayed to Heavenly Father, (I pray every night, but I felt like this was the first time I tried to be genuine in a long time) and asked him to help me live the way he wants me to live. To do the things in this life he wants me to do. To be the person I know I can be. Outgoing, successful, spiritual, fun, kind, appreciative of appropriate and enjoyable books, music, and movies. I know I can be that person. I come to realize that and often forget it. I constantly need God to remind me who I am and why I'm here.
I love life. Sometimes I wonder why I'm such a dorkwad, and why I do the things I do. But you know what? I make mistakes, along with the rest of the world. I realize those mistakes and try to learn from them. I hope I've not offended anyone with this post. I hope I haven't given the impression that I fell members of the LDS church are better than anyone else, because I do not believe that in the slightest. The Declaration of Independence reads "we believe these truths to be self evident. That all men are created equal..." I believe that. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, and once again, I hope I haven't offended anyone. :-)